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Warning: Penn Hookup Culture MUCH Different at Home


Photo by Lars Plougmann / CC BY-SA 2.0

Watch out, guys! From what I can gather, Penn’s “hookup culture” at home is VERY different than on campus.

There’s this chick, right? Get this: every time I try to put on the moves, she just stares at me, looks all concerned, and then asks me to come down for dinner before it gets cold. Like, what the hell?

Then there’s this other lady who always says to “give grandma a hug.” Kinky! That’s cool, I’m interested in older women too, but anytime I ask what she’s doing later that night she always says something like “ohohoho, you remind me of your grandfather at that age,” or “you’re so sweet to your old grandma,” like what? I thought we had a little something something going on here?

Even worse, this kid runs up to me every so often and asks for help on their times tables. Like, get outta here, you little nerd! What am I, your personal tutor?

There’s definitely something up though, because after I tried shooting my shot for several days, a man and a woman came into my room, sat down, and started saying stuff like “son, you’ve been acting strange recently, and your mom and I are worried,” or “maybe you should talk to a health professional.” So what, a man asks the woman sitting across the table in a “Mom’s the Chef” apron if she’s into casual hookups, and suddenly he's a war criminal? This place SUCKS!