BREAKING: Santa Claus Charged for Violating Elven Labor Laws
Phot by Roman Samborskyi // CC by 2.0
December 14, 2020 at 1:12 pm
The Most Northern Pole- Unfortunately, it looks like Christmas may be canceled this year. After years and years of thorough investigation, the governing body UMBC (United Magical Beings Commission) has recognized the charges against Mister Santa Claus for violating workers' rights, labor laws, for creating a toxic work environment, and unethical practices.
A spokesman for the UMBC stated in a press conference today that “the allegations against Mister Claus were just too great to ignore. The testimonies we heard from the elves and the reindeer were just too damning and sad to hear.”
Below are some of these very testimonies:
One elf said: “365 days. 24 hours a day. No breaks. Poor conditions. We work round the clock in our tight tights. And we are always forced to fucking sing ‘We are Santa’s elves’ or some other tacky Christmas jingle. Yanno, fuck Michael Bublé too while we’re at it.”
Another remarked: “We aren’t even paid — we are basically servants that do free labor. Santa only gives us cookies for our tireless work. And now we all have diabetes! He knows we won’t find work anywhere else, given that we are three feet tall. He constantly threatens us that he’ll put us on his shelf like suburban white moms do to terrorize their children.”
A third stated: “Usually the big guy just sits in his office all day. But when he does come out, he causes chaos. He’ll crop dust us, call us insulting names (like 'Pointy Ears') and make mean jokes. We make the toys and the fat ass gets all the credit?”
One of the reindeer also chipped in: “We don’t even get insurance or any type of benefits. Santa drives like a drunk driver all over the world and we get nothing but some leftover carrots.”
Reports say that ruthless capitalism has obstructed Santa-- consistently looking for new ways to maximize profit. Parents of rich kids, whether they be on the nice or naughty lists, have been bribing Santa to make more and more toys for their rotten children. Santa hoards this money, not sharing it with the masses.
The Elves have attempted to protest, but they have been outmatched by the extremely low job opportunities and food elsewhere in the North Pole. Here is a sketch of the protest from 2011 (Occupy North Pole Street) that was ended quickly by the ‘jolly’ Claus and his spray can of reindeer piss.
The elves have also attempted to unionize and have a voice (although high pitched and shrill) in the workplace … but that again did not work. It was a mix of the elves having bad organizational skills and Santa threatening to replace them with small children.
Fortunately, though, it looks like the years of fighting may soon be over. The UMBC has announced that Santa will be called into questioning in the high courts for his crimes. While the elves rejoice, they also know that white-collar crime is not frequently charged. They await the decision — prepping for a more forceful workplace revolution.