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Slurp! 5 Ways to Enjoy a Vial of Spit Once That Gullible Sucker Walks Outside


Photo by Stockphotokun / CC BY 2.0

So, you’ve finally done it. Thanks to your glib demeanor, charming smile, and spare N-95 respirator, you’ve successfully tricked some unsuspecting chump into giving you a vial full of their saliva. Congrats!

Now that the hardest part’s over, what exactly should you do with your ill-gotten gains? Don’t worry! Under the Button has you covered.

1) Use it as cologne

Whether you need to ace an interview or impress a fellow oral discharge aficionado, this is bound to do the trick. Just dab a little bit behind the ears and you’re golden. “Eww de toilette”, anyone?

2) Save it for letter writing

Don’t you just hate the taste of stamps and envelopes? I know I do! The next time you write a letter home to Mom detailing all of your totally interesting collegiate escapades, remember to seal the envelope and attach the necessary postage using some of your swindled spit. Par avion!

3) Brew some traditional Chicha

Chicha is a traditional beer produced by chewing maize, spitting it into a bowl, and letting the fiber ferment. And guess what? Making it just got a whole lot easier. Simply dribble a bit of that random guy’s spittle onto some corn, and you’re good to go! Enjoy responsibly.

4) Sell it on eBay

Depending on how you spin it, selling your stolen slobber could be a lucrative option. In our experience, “A Fresh Vial of Water From the Sacred Fountain of Youth” or “Gamer Girl Slobber” tend to be good titles for the listing. Then, after you get a sale, just delete your account, completely cut off communications with the purchaser, and start the cycle anew! Rise and grind, baby.

5) Just drink it

You don’t owe anyone anything. So grab your vial, unscrew the lid, and just toss it back. Swish it around. Savor it. Realize that this might not have been the best idea given the pandemic. Revel in your madness anyways.