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Amy Gutmann Spotted Maskless in Van Pelt Recharging Her Batteries


Photo by Wikipedia Commons | C00

Yup, you read that right. Our once trusted president, formerly loyal confidant, Amy Gutmann was spotted MASKLESS in Van Pelt Library changing her batteries. 

This past Sunday Penn Police were anonymously tipped by a few students who said they saw “blinding flashes” and heard “what sounded like Optimus Prime ripping a bandaid off his genitalia” coming from VP 4th floor. The Penn Police, suspiciously not concerned by this report at all, promptly made their way to Van Pelt to scope out the situation. A few UTB reporters followed closely behind to capture what the strange noises were. 

Our UTB staffers had cameras rolling upon entry, however when they arrived on the fourth floor, signals failed. Their testimonies of what they saw, though, are unnerving - so be warned. 

“There she was”, sophomore journalist Regina Baynes recalled, “her arms and legs were clothespinned to a projector screen dripping with some pudding-esque substance. Her Torso was wedged between two bookcases, making vile noises and flashes every few seconds. It looked like she was recharging her batteries. And then I saw it....her head, lifeless and maskless!”

Amy Gutmann aka the Covid Czar aka Quiet Period Queen aka Pandemic Pouncer pulled the ole “Pelosi tryna get her perm checked” on us, and broke her own COVID regulations. We here at UTB are just as shocked, hurt, and unforgiving as the next publication. 

I personally pledge to hold Amy accountable #accountableamy. Must she make a public statement to deserve our forgiveness? Yes. Must she vow to never be seen maskless again regardless of whether we’re in a pandemic? Yes. Does the whole concept of this article make no sense because she technically wouldn’t need to wear a mask if she were a robot? Yes.