Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

Sophie’s Choice: Invite Me to Your Party or Know I’ll Report It


In life, there are many difficult decisions we all must make, such as which grandparent to take off life support, which child to save at Auschwitz, and whether to use penne or spaghetti with pesto sauce.

You, dear reader, are presented today with a similar, devastating predicament: Do you invite me to your party OR know that I will shut down your shindig out of spite and hot jealous rage? I have included below a pros-cons list to help with your decision-making process. 

Pros for inviting me: 

  1. Drum circle is on me!
  2. I’ve recently decided to go organic, so I only smoke clove cigarettes indoors now.  
  3. I already have a jelly shot in my belly button. Just don’t get your tongue caught on my ring!
  4. Don't worry about me having coronavirus, I haven't gotten the flu since 6th grade. 
  5. I always perform my routine set to “All that Jazz” from my 2009 dance recital at parties. It’s a crowd pleaser! 
  6. I won’t snoop around your house. I remember it all from when I was there last night.

Cons for inviting me: 


Pros for not inviting me: 


Cons for not inviting me: 

  1. I will report you. 
  2. I will report you. 
  3. I will call your parents

The choice is yours.