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Vaccine Rollout Stops Immediately Due to Shocking Success of PennOpen Pass


Photo with edits by Sonia Feil and Pixy.org // CC BY-NC-ND 4.0

In the aftermath of the Philly Fighting COVID fiasco, the City of Philadelphia has announced that they will soon be partnering with a much more successful and reputable COVID-19-fighting institution: PennOpen Pass. Though the decision to let college kids handle the first stage of vaccination left Philadelphians questioning the decision-making abilities of their city officials, this promising new partnership has already restored the faith of most residents.

It’s easy to see why: Since Penn students returned to campus, the University’s positivity rate has hit an all-time low of 0.0%! This success can only be attributed to PennOpen Pass. Thus far, the symptom tracker has served as a foolproof way of asking Penn students, “Do you have COVID-19?” every day, and every day the answer is a resounding “I dunno, probably not.”

Citizens of Philadelphia will no longer be able to enter any business, workplace, or room of their own house without first flashing a security guard that sultry green pass. This will preferably be done in hoards of 15-20 people at a time in order to maximize efficiency and keep the pay-per-glance base rate of the guards down. Cost-effective!

“It’s so simple — I can’t believe we didn’t come up with it sooner!” exclaimed Mayor Jim Kenney during the announcement. “The solution has been right here this whole time.” By foregoing vaccination altogether, city officials report with near certainty that they will not be able to mishandle another vaccine distribution attempt.

Kenney is optimistic that Philadelphia will adopt PennOpen Pass with arms wide open, but he does have advice for those who are uncertain: “Just think of it as taking a fun pop quiz every morning!” Answer the three questions correctly, and — with green pass in hand — the world is your oyster. Fail, and your pass will turn red — Philadelphians whose passes turn red will be airlifted to Drexel and excommunicated.