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BREAKING: Wharton Just One UTB Article Away from Complete Ruin


Photo by Biruk Tibebe / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Stop the presses! It has come to our attention that the entire school of Wharton is just one paltry UTB article away from complete and irrevocable collapse.

After years of being weakened by an endless stream of finance bro content and a myriad of articles of the serpentine variety, Wharton’s last defenses have finally given out. Now, just one more piece poking fun at the number one business school in America, and it’s game over. 

Oh, the humanity! I can’t bear to watch. Prepare yourselves — we are about to have a very large pile of rubble and cocaine on our hands.

We swear that we didn’t do this on purpose. Look — clowning on Wharton is just something that comes with the territory. It’s kinda like how your roommate “just had to go” to that crowded BYO last Friday despite campus COVID regulations. Or, it’s like the university blowing its budget on 10,000 heavily preserved, week-old pastries for Valentine’s Day. It simply can’t be helped, okay? So don’t go pinning this solely on us.

Seriously. We were just about to run a 100-page tour de force exposé on how Wharton students are just reptilians in poorly-designed human suits, but we had to pull it. You wanna know why? It’s because Wharton is crumbling like an oversized hunk of aged asiago, damn it!