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OP-ED: Penn Board of Trustees Votes to Begin Annual Child Sacrifices to Welcome the Harvest, and I FW It.


New Student Orientation is pretty great as is, but just imagine if everything was farm themed. Think about it - replace the darties with tractor rides, the late nights with some lit ass land tilling. I know, I’m also queefing with excitement. 

Well, this is the vision that Penn’s Board of Trustees had last week when they voted to begin doing child sacrifices to welcome the harvest. I know what you’re all thinking: Aren’t there so many better reasons to sacrifice children than to welcome the harvest? The answer is no, there isn’t. The harvest is, in fact, the best of many reasons to off some kids. Here's why:

The harvest is food. Food is life. Life is love. And love is love is love is love. I know this new policy is gonna be met with the typical four pink-haired noble warriors protesting outside College Hall, but what might be to the surprise of many is that this policy change is actually directly in line with progressive ideology. 

For a moment, let’s take ourselves out of the toxic political climate that consumes our Thanksgiving dinner conversations and, for us Alabamians, the post-dinner pillow talk What do child sacrifices stand for? Do they stand for hate? Or bigotry? Or lust? No. They stand for equity. For justice. Why are old people dying out the wazoo but kids get a free pass? This is where the Board of Trustees put their stilettos down. We need a harvest, and if there is anyone who should sacrifice to give that to us, it is our 4th and 5th graders. Fuck those kids. They run around my playground like they own the place. No! I own the place. My slide. My swings. Suck a dick, Timmy. 

But anyway, the new policy is being enacted prior to the 2021 harvest. The method of execution depends on how the rain gods treat us for the next few months. If you want these kids to go out the easy way then do your duty and bow to the rain gods every time you get wet. I will personally not be bowing and will be installing a pool in my basement.