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OP-ED: COVID-19 Sucks, But Old People Suck More


Listen, I’m not anti old people - I need to make that clear right off the bat. I just think that before we have a conversation about the negative effects of COVID-19, we should just quickly talk about the negative effects of the elderly. It really is nothing personal, I love ¾ of my grandparents dearly, I just think that right now, given our current circumstances with everything, they just may not be the best fit...for the world. And yeah I get it, life, regardless of whose it is, has intrinsic value...yada yada yada. But guys, come on. Let’s drop the act -- old people gotta go. Where’s my silent majority at on this one. 

Where do I even start - they suck so fucking much. First, they’re clingy as fuck. My grandma one time literally called me every single day for two weeks. Like hoe, I don’t care your husband's on his deathbed I can’t have my line ringing with “Bubbe <3 <3” on the screen when I’m with the boys. Hop off. 

Second, they smell so bad. All of them. I’ve done my research on this one too. I’ve been volunteering at a Home for a few weeks now in anticipation for this piece, and I’ve met zero old men who don't smell bad - and trust me I did a lot of smelling. Their scents ranged from musty gefilte fish to brisket scented hand lotion. The number of yacks I had to swallow to spare their cardigans from regurgitated halal is more than I’m willing to admit. 

Third, and most importantly, they’ve been no fun for the past year! Every time I text my grandma to get trashed she responds with some bullshit like “Hillel, I’m 80 and you currently have COVID-19”. What’s the point of living if you aren’t willing to risk it all to live it up every blue moon. My grandma literally hasn’t blacked with me since March. And sure, did I maybe one time accidentally give her my molly instead of her Alzheimers medication? Yeah, sue me. I accidentally give my grandma the best 10 hours of her fucking life and I’m some menace to society but she purposefully doesn’t get fucked up with me and she's some hero. I’m over it, suck it Bubbe. 

I really have heard all of the pro-old people arguments too, I’m not just making some baseless claim. People are like “But Hillel, they’re so wise!” So what, they're ugly. “They raised us!” The streets of suburbia raised me. “They’re our society’s memory!” My grandma can’t remember shit! 

But yeah, nothing against old people. Just food for thought.