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Fossil Free Penn Announces That Oil Rigs Actually Kind of Gnarly When You Think About It

Photo by anax44 // CC BY-SA 2.0

In a shocking change of course, Fossil Free Penn has declared that oil rigs are actually kind of sick when you think about it.

Typically, the club is vehemently against anything that depletes natural resources and pollutes our ecosystem. However, after a thorough examination of the intricacies and processes behind oil rigs, the group has shifted their viewpoint entirely.

“I mean, yeah. It harms our ability to sustain ourselves over the next hundred or so years,” club president John Eng said. “But like, these big drills, right, they just fucking go vrrrrrr, and then they go into the ground and take the oil. And that’s our oil now. We’ve fucking claimed that shit.”

For Fossil Free Penn, it comes down to a simple game of impact calculus. On the one hand, the Earth is slowly rotting away as corporations strip away every last remnant of environmental stability we once had. On the other hand, the process where the oil just gets sucked out of the ground is pretty gnarly.

“Honestly, like it’s just fucking cool,” club member Kayla Mepa said. “Environment this, environment that, but when we’ve got the chance to just fucking plunge into the ground with a big-ass claw and take some shit, we’ve gotta capitalize on that opportunity.”

Whether or not this new stance is admirable, it goes without saying that Fossil Free Penn has finally come around on how cool oil rigs can be, and that’s worth something.