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Call for Action: Make Babies Second Class Citizens


When does life truly begin? Is it at birth? Conception? Your first taste of the sweet, tender, glorious McRib? This is the million dollar question that political activists and abortion enthusiasts like myself have been asking since uteri were invented. I’m just gonna come out and say it: I hate babies...almost as much as those washed fuckers we call our “elders”. And while I understand that advocating for post-natal abortions may not sit well with the weak-hearted, baby-indulging, political left (or right), I feel we can find a mutually satisfying middle ground. I assert that babies should not be afforded the same rights as non-babies, and thus should be treated as second class citizens.  

Let me describe to you my new roommate Gilbert. Gibert is fat as shit. Gilbert is unemployed, nonverbal, and sleeps 16 hours a day. All that Gilbert does is eat, sleep, and suck titties, and if he doesn’t get any of those things it’s your fault. Do you really believe that Gilbert deserves life? If you are shaking your head, like I was on that fateful Wednesday morning last winter, then I have news for you: Gilbert is a baby.

No I did not hurt Gilbert, but I did strip him of his first, second, and fifth amendment rights within the confines of my home. No Grand Jury for you motherfucker. All my friends told me, “Bro, he is a baby he will grow out of it like every other baby”, but it’s been 2 months and he still is my least favorite roommate by a landslide. He’s always suckin on his mammas nips, but every time I offer my nipples to be guzzled he ends up crying and I end up having to move again outside a 1000 ft radius of children. It’s bullshit! 

One time I even managed to convince a girl to come back to the crib for some post dentist freaky time. We get to the crib, everythings going great, might have been falling in love honestly, and then fucking Gilbert starts crying. His mom runs in and is like, “Dude why are you in my baby’s crib with that doll!” What a cock block! 

I’d imagine that I am not the only victim of babies’ malicious selfishness, and thus am not alone in the fight for a re-evaluation of their rights as citizens. I know I have a long and winding road ahead of me in this fight for inequality, but I’m prepared to weather whatever resistance I am met with by mothers, fathers, and every other fucker under a baby’s conspiratorial spell. Here are the reforms that I propose:

First, they have the birthing process too easy. Trust me, I’ve attended many births for research purposes, and baby’s rarely do anything to get themselves out of that womb. We must stop babying them. I demand that babies be required to birth themselves. 

Second, it makes no sense why babies are allowed to vote in general elections in this country. When I’m president, I’m going to pass a decree that requires you to be at least four years old to vote. Too many times I’ve seen the baby vote rob rightful rulers like Hilary and my friend Joey of their shot at power. Too many times. 

Third, to the credit of babies, they can be cute at times. I’m not a monster, just a realist. Cute babies should be rewarded with stickers and fist bumps and shit. But ugly babies...don’t get me started on ugly babies. This isn’t so much a reform as much as it is a call for a change of customs, but I think, as a society, we should make a larger effort to neglect ugly babies.

While I recognize that I am ahead of my time, I know society will catch up in the next few years. I just want to leave you with this: next time you find yourself in the presence of a baby, ask yourself: could I see myself marrying this baby? If the answer is no, then join my fight.