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Gourmet Grocer to Consider Restocking Within Next Decade


Photo by Ilana Wurman / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Shopping win! According to sources close to UTB, Gourmet Grocer may consider restocking within the next ten years or so.

“Yes!” Tracy Yakob (C ‘23) shouted upon hearing the news. “My investment in Dining Dollars is finally going to pay off!”

That’s right: the on-campus grocery store is planning to restock on eggs, milk, toilet paper, and a host of other basic student necessities by 2031.

Students across campus are practically salivating in anticipation for the big day.

“This is gonna be huge,” Harry Larby (E ‘23) opined. “I was getting real tired of eating vegan macaroni and artisan beef jerky every day. It’s weird — they never seem to run out of those.”

Although many are excited beyond words, some students have criticized the management’s sluggish response to the ever-changing needs of the student body.

“Ten years? Do you even know how long that is?” asked Tommy Tweed (C ‘24) with incredulity. “Listen up, GoGro: we want eggs in five years, or give us our money back!”

Hey, all good things take time! General manager Daniel Benton reiterated Gourmet Grocer’s mission in a speech last Friday, urging students to “get hyped” for what is to come.

“We want you to think of us as more than a place where you can pick up a bottle of Hint or snag some peanut oil,” Benton proclaimed, brows furrowed. “That is why we are taking the initiative to restock all of our shelves sometime within this epoch, give or take a couple centuries. That, my friends, is a Gourmet Grocer promise.”