UTB's Guide for Surviving Movie Sex Scenes With Dad
June 16, 2021 at 9:41 pm
Sitting down to watch a movie with your father is a seemingly relaxing, bonding, wholesome experience. Excited for quality time, you pick a new release film you haven't seen before—and just like that, you seal your fate. You are about to watch porn with Dad.
Prudence McKenna (C '22) found herself in this unfortunate and dangerous situation. It was a rainy Sunday afternoon—3:00 p.m.—when Prudence sat down with her father, Bryan McKenna, to watch the last movie she would ever see.
McKenna was sitting side by side with her father, sharing a bowl of popcorn, when the screen displayed a dimly lit scene. Prudence and her father sat silently as audible moaning began. The moaning then became screaming, and the living room was thick with silent prayers of mercy during the first fifteen seconds of this graphic, erotic sex scene. Alas, Freddie Mercury did not answer Prudence's prayers, as she would embark on a four-minute passionate sex scene shoulder to shoulder with Papa.
At minute 3.04, "more daddy more" played on the McKenna household's surround sound system, and Prudence exploded and passed away right there on sight. Bryan McKenna reportedly screamed, "Prude!" and rushed to her aid, but it was too late. "If someone had prepared Prudence to handle such a delicate situation, we wouldn't be scraping her off the walls." said detective Connie Linus of the NYPD.
In Prudence's memory, UTB has created the Guide for Surviving Movie Sex Scenes with Dad to prevent similar tragedies.
1) The Tuck and Cover. Bring your knees to your chest, and cover those eyes. This method screams, "I'm uncomfortable with this situation, and I'm a virgin!" without having to say anything at all. The latter may not be true, but that's what we want Dad to think. Wear that immaturity like a badge of honor.
2) Snack Time. A sex scene may be the perfect cue to remove yourself from the situation and grab a snack. This method is casual, highly effective, and can be pretty delicious! Pro tip! The louder the snack (i.e., potato chips or a bag of gravel), the more sound you can drown out. Chew loudly and proudly.
3) Start a Fire. "Oh no! A poorly timed fire in the kitchen! Looks like we have to turn our attention towards this and not the entertaining movie!" Queen! Your arsenic tendencies DO come in handy!
4) Fake an Injury. Nothing major, so you can carry on watching the movie once the sex scene has concluded. We suggest breaking your non-dominant pinky because she's good for nothing anyway. If you are British (thank you for reading our publication; we really didn't expect to reach your demographic), protect that noble pinky at all costs. A light stab to the thigh should be just as effective.
5) Gouge Your Eyes Out. If you're watching porn with Dad, you might as well be having sex with Mom... so while you're at it, just gouge your eyes out Oedipus style.
This article is in memory of Prudence McKenna. We love you Prudes!