‘Skabort!’ and Other Onomatopoeia to Spice up Your Sex Life
June 4, 2021 at 11:46 am
Researchers studying intimacy and sex in a post-quarantine world have found that couples have grown complacent in the bedroom. Partners are 70% less likely to try something new in bed and are 100% more likely to shrug their shoulders, look at their partner, and say, "that was fine...I mean, it was good. Right?" World-renowned clinical sexologist, Richard Brest, has made it his life's work to turn those adequate shrugs into explosive shrieks.
This past year, Dr. Richard Brest, whom colleagues call Dicky Tits, has been exercising his groundbreaking hypothesis: the noises you exclaim in bed are directly tied to the amount of pleasure you and your partner experience. Brest also theorizes that the more creative the sound, the better.
Brest conducted multiple clinical trials and independent studies of his own sex life. In one of Brest's clinical trials, he studied a couple, Stella and Mia Kunt. Upon climax, Stella Kunt exclaimed, "Skabort!". Both Stella and Mia immediately had "the most explosive, euphoric mega-orgasm ever."
From this experiment, Brest documented a new era of sexual speak. From his findings, Brest found that "Skabort" had an overwhelming 97% orgasm success rate and is said to be "the most effective word to howl during copulation."
While not as popular as "Skabort," Brest's also recommends tryings: "Kaboom," "Cock a Doodle Doo," "Zing," "Benny" from Benny and the Jets (though proven less effective if your partner is named Benny, and not effective at all if your name is Benny), "Ker-Ching," "Rubeerubeerooo" (catchphrase from critically acclaimed children's show Scooby-Doo), and "Jason Derulo." Conversely, Brest does not encourage the use of "Twang," "Moo," "Splat," "Chortle," "Lub Dub," "Neigh," "Thwack," or worst of all, "Whallop," as these were found to have reverse effects.
Next time it's getting hot and heavy with your partner, try "Skabort!" (or any creative onomatopoeia of choice), and we know you'll be thanking us later.