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Gutmann to Become Ambassador to Germany, Pending Final Grade in GRMN-104


Photos (with edits) by Pixabay / CC 2.0 and C-SPAN / Public Domain

As summer classes comes to a close, one mensch stands out among the rest: President Gutmann believes she has finally fulfilled her language requirement, which means she has, at long last, announced her intention to take a semester abroad in Germany.

Gutmann reportedly held off on announcing her study abroad plans until after taking the final because she “didn’t want to jinx it.” This is Gutmann’s second time through GRMN-104, after receiving a D in the course last semester, but after a long six weeks of dict.cc and Quizlet, she is confident that she will squeak by with a C-minus in the class.

“This is ein Traum come true for me,” said Gutmann, winking. “I have been looking forward to this opportunity since I arrived at Penn as a fresh, dewy-eyed 55-year-old.”

According to sources close to Gutmann, she has already packed twelve Michael Kors bags full of dirndls and pantsuits, and she now only responds to “Präsidentin Gutmann.” To make everything official, she’s already changed her Instagram bio to include the German flag emoji and a link to her travel blog.

When asked if she is, perhaps, acting a bit hastily, she shrugged it off: “I only need a 97% to get the C-minus, and that test was, as they say in Berlin, ein Stück Kuchen! So I’m not concerned at all.”

*Reporter’s Note: Under the Button reached out to the White House for comment but received an automated message saying that all White House communication channels are backlogged with months of anonymous threats against Secretary of Education Miguel Cardona. Comment may come at a later date.