LGBT Win! Penn Closet Rebrands as “Penn Come Out of the Closet”
June 1, 2021 at 4:45 pm
Penn Closet announced this week that in honor of pride month in June, they will be rebranding as “Penn Come out of the Closet.”
The store, formerly known as Penn Closet, is conveniently located in Wilcaf, allowing the gays and the gals who frequent the cafe to stroll in with an iced coffee and a croissant, smirk halfheartedly at the lackluster collection, and then leave without purchasing anything.
“Gay people are basically the only people who come into our store anyway,” said Stacy Weisberg, president of Penn Closet, “they’re always so sassy about how ugly our clothes are, and we love them for that! Plus, everyone who works here is required to be at least bi. It’s in our employee contract. Work queens!”
To critics of their store contents, Weisberg had this to say, “um, obviously the point of Penn Closet isn’t to sell clothes, it’s to employ people who got rejected from Elmo in their last round of rush.” She then proceeded to pull a pack of American Spirits out of her windbreaker pocket and smoked them all in rapid succession.
In addition to the rebrand of their store name, they will be offering complimentary hits of poppers to all customers, expanding their jockstrap collection, and offering discounts on ketamine after your tenth purchase.