Under the Button is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

Analytical King! Craig Marked Growth of Penis on Family’s Living Room Door Frame


Craig Johnson, 14, from Moreheadville, Pennsylvania, is dedicated to the science of penile proliferation. Craig has been logging the growth of his penis on his family's living room door frame since he could hold a sharpie. 

Johnson can track his maturation, analyze trends, anticipate growth periods, and predict his final phallus form like the analytical king he is. 

Craig's parents, Willy and Anita Johnson are supportive of his endeavors and encourage this hobby. "As a child, Craig had a really hard time getting into hobbies—or finding any passions really—so when his hard time finding joy turned into joy from his time getting hard, we applauded his energy and excitement! A mother wants what's best for her son. I feel his pain when his penis doesn't hit a certain length by a long-awaited benchmark; I feel his joy when he ticks off another inch; I hold the tape measure now and then. I'm a mother! We all feel our children's successes and losses with them," boasts Anita Johnson. 

The whole Johnson family has become very invested in the growth of Craig's penis. Craig's penilestones have become a reason for celebration for the family. "It's an excuse for the kids to come home from college, the grandparents to drive up, to see extended family we only get to see at reunions and have a wonderful weekend-long penis party. So what's there to complain about!" exclaimed Willy. 

Craig was in the Angry Inch phase for an alarming amount of time, which only made the Two's n' Cruise'n family trip to the Bahamas all the merrier. The whole Johnson clan has fond memories of the Four Inch Fury Festival featuring fire breathers, barbershop quartets, a performance by Lil Dickey, and an all-you-can-eat buffet serving only four-inch pigs in a blanket. Sources say it was chaotic, and there was not a lot of commitment to the theme. 

As time went on, growth was sporadic. It was starting to look like Craig would only muscle out one or two more inches. Thee Johnson's reflected on their past celebrations and decided it was time to be a little more mature. They would host Craig's penis parties at their country club for Member Member-Guest Tennis Tournaments from here on out.

"I go to their member member-guest tournaments because those pigs in a blanket are so damn juicy…but can I say I condone this whole fuckin' nightmare? Absolutely not. First of all, the kid's got a small penis, and to be frank with you, this is all just sad." said a party-goer and brother to Willy. 

Another party-goer, and Craig's childhood best friend, Charlie, weighed in: "I go to Craig's house all the time—and have been going since I was a kid. I always thought the living room door thing was weird, but it's even weirder when they all start high-fiving each other after he measures his penis on the wall. Once I told my mom what was happening over there, she forbid me from going to Craig's house for a while. My parents don't know I'm with the Johnson's right now... so if you use this quote, can you say I was formally at Suzy's house?" Charlie was at Suzy's house. 

Craig's fifteenth birthday is fast approaching, and Craig hopes to make it to his fifth and potentially the last inch. Anita Johnson says he measures his penis on the living room door frame every day now, and the whole family is pulling for him. So you got this, Craig!