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Castle Brother Found Innocent by Jury of Other Castle Brothers

Photo (with edits) by The Daily Pennsylvanian

Legal experts and scholars have commended the brothers of Psi Upsilon for their completely fair and impartial process of examining the details of the recent alleged assault on Penn's campus.

A carefully selected jury of the assailant's peers (bros) gathered around a courtroom (castle basement) to perform an objective and unbiased analysis of the night's events. According to court reports, the sole witness for the night's events was the fraternity brother in question, who had absolutely no recollection of any violence transpiring that night. All other witnesses were rejected for concerns about bias and their lack of affiliation with the Psi Upsilon organization. 

In preparation for the trial, all Castle brothers were carefully trained in constitutional law, forensic psychology, and siding with your homies. Even more impressive, though, is the way the fraternity's members have demonstrated such a complete understanding of jurisprudence despite often hailing from London, England. 

Those responsible for writing the sixth amendment during the nation's founding have actually risen from the dead to commend the Castle Fraternity for their impressionistic interpretation of the law.