Engineer Uses 4-in-1 Wash Every 1-in-4 Days
September 20, 2021 at 3:02 pm
He’s got it all figured out: last Thursday, Yacob Finnegan (E '23) revealed that he uses Irish Spring 4-in-1 wash every 1-in-4 days.
“It’s all a matter of efficiency,” Finnegan explained. “Why would you do something if it’s not efficient?”
To support his claims, Finnegan brought up how Irish Spring 4-in-1 could be applied indiscriminately to any part of his putrid, grimy body with relatively consistent results. According to his calculations, a single coating of the miraculous goo every four calendar days is enough to keep his stench percentage well below 50%.
“Everybody tells me I smell like the gym locker room,” Finnegan said with a shrug. “I’ve never been there, so I can only assume that’s a good thing.”
Like any engineering student worth their salt, Finnegan is working hard on discovering novel applications for the godsend that is Irish Spring 4-in-1.
“Shaving cream — no. Sunscreen — no. Lip balm — no.” Finnegan muttered, moving down his checklist. “Toothpaste — maybe.”
Who knows what the future will hold for Finnegan? We’re rooting for ya, buddy.
“There’s still one problem I’ve yet to solve: No matter where I go, people appear to keep a distance of 10 ± 2 meters away from me,” Finnegan lamented, whipping out his calculator. “Looks like I need to rerun some simulations, I guess.”