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Engineer Uses 4-in-1 Wash Every 1-in-4 Days


Photo (with edits) by Art (RUS) Potosi / CC BY 2.0 and Martin Lewison / CC BY-SA 2.0

He’s got it all figured out: last Thursday, Yacob Finnegan (E '23) revealed that he uses Irish Spring 4-in-1 wash every 1-in-4 days.

“It’s all a matter of efficiency,” Finnegan explained. “Why would you do something if it’s not efficient?”

To support his claims, Finnegan brought up how Irish Spring 4-in-1 could be applied indiscriminately to any part of his putrid, grimy body with relatively consistent results. According to his calculations, a single coating of the miraculous goo every four calendar days is enough to keep his stench percentage well below 50%. 

“Everybody tells me I smell like the gym locker room,” Finnegan said with a shrug. “I’ve never been there, so I can only assume that’s a good thing.”

Like any engineering student worth their salt, Finnegan is working hard on discovering novel applications for the godsend that is Irish Spring 4-in-1.

“Shaving cream — no. Sunscreen — no. Lip balm — no.” Finnegan muttered, moving down his checklist. “Toothpaste — maybe.”

Who knows what the future will hold for Finnegan? We’re rooting for ya, buddy.

“There’s still one problem I’ve yet to solve: No matter where I go, people appear to keep a distance of 10 ± 2 meters away from me,” Finnegan lamented, whipping out his calculator. “Looks like I need to rerun some simulations, I guess.”