PSA: Don't Leave Your Bag Unattended. I'm Rifling Through it Right Now.

A courteous message from one student to another: please do not leave your bag unattended. Because I’m rummaging through it right now.

Remember: never use your bag to save your seat at the café. That is, never do that unless you want me to ensure that the coast is clear before proceeding to claw through your most private and intimate possessions. You would also do good to hide any valuables including laptops, smartphones, and watches before I can slip them into my oversized burlap sack, rip them apart, and resell the components at wholesale price.

Placing your bag under the table out of your line of sight is also a huge no-no. If you do, then expect me to be down there too, navigating a forest of limbs to get at whatever fungible goods you brought with you to Panera that day. Trust me: I’m small, so I can fit down there with ease.

Honestly, I’m just trying to give people a heads up. Never ask a stranger (like me) to “watch your stuff while you go to the bathroom”, because they (I) will absolutely clean out the loose change sitting at the bottom of your purse and use your driver’s license to steal your identity. You wouldn’t want that, right?

Finally, if you own a bicycle, then I would advise you to use a U-lock that is resistant to being picked through the usual ballpoint pen method. Like, come on. Give me a challenge.

People call me “Robin Hood” all the time, but honestly, I don’t really see myself that way. I’m just an everyday guy trying to promote theft awareness on campus.