OP-ED: They Should Replace Louie Louie With a Second McDonalds

Earlier this week I happened to stroll past the restaurant Louie Louie on Walnut Street. Upon first glance I was struck by the refined personal style and rarefied affect of its diners. Their conversations were saturated with intellectualism, including topics like the cheapest time to buy flights to Switzerland. Financial thrift is a testament to our school’s academic rigor and the virtues of its student body. Surely, this was a food establishment intended for those with sublime taste palettes. 

I sampled its cuisine almost immediately after this brief visitation. Its quality is undeniable. The atmosphere was also aided by the presence of present and future oligarchs. As I was eating, however, one partially formed judgement arose from my subconscious that I have failed to repress. 

The food I tasted was undoubtedly excellent. But nothing will surpass the products offered at McDonalds, that staple of American enterprise. No amount of bourgeois delicacies — oysters or salmon tartare — could overpower the patriotic aroma of sliced potatoes in frying oil or grilled meat products. 

Hence, my proposition to the Board of Trustees: seize the land currently occupied by Louie Louie (through Eminent Domain) and erect a McDonald’s in its place. This task must be carried out swiftly and with revolutionary zeal. A monument to the people shall arise where elite culture once dominated.