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How Woke! This Classics Major ISN’T a Fascist


Photo by University of Virginia

As the only non-fascist in the classics department, Ben Sherman (C ‘23) is used to being discriminated against. 

“Yeah, I grew up reading the Percy Jackson books”, Sherman told us. “They really piqued my interest in classical civilizations and languages, and I came to Penn knowing exactly what I wanted to study.”

Unfortunately, it has not been easy for Sherman in the classics department. 

“The other classics majors are awful. Most of them joined the classics department because they yearn for a time when white people ruled. Which is weird, because a lot of them are minorities. They threw copies of the Emily Wilson translation of the Odyssey at me, just because I said I don’t think Jews should be killed.”

Mariah Rocho (C ‘22), a fellow classics major, took a break from terrorizing abortion clinics to tell us this about Sherman, “He’s a softie.” said Rocho, “When we start Holocaust 2, he will be the first one we exterminate. Wait, you smell like a Jew. Are you a Jew?”

At this moment, I took my leave.