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Ad: Join My Senior Society for Hot Sluts

Photo by Jackson Parli

Hey queen! I saw you on Locust, and I love your vibe. I’d love to give you a tap for my new senior society for hot sluts who don’t give a fuck. No uggos allowed. I’m serious. Gays and girls only. 

Senior societies usually do fun things like recruit people, enlist new members, and enroll people with like-minded interests. Not us though. Our main thing is smoking cigarettes on benches on Locust to help us stay skinny. Speaking of skinny, our founder actually invented “being skinny” back in 1923 and has a dedicated plaque on the skinniest tree on campus. On occasion, you can also find us bleaching our hair and skipping meals.

As the group is very exclusive, if you do get a bid, our hazing is fairly intense. When I joined, I had to get six of my ribs removed and get three Brazilian butt lifts. My teeny-tiny waist and huge fat ass often cause me to fall over as I’m walking to class, but it’s worth it to be in this group.

Our alumni network? Top-notch. Every hot, skinny bitch who ever attended Penn was in it. Basically the only people worth talking to. Even hyperpop princess, Tiffany Trump, couldn’t get a bid. Sad!

We’re having a smoker this weekend, and the theme is “Y2K Telfar bag cocaine addiction.” We would love to see you there!

Anyway, it’s called Friars and taps go out next week.