We Counted: Seven (7) Penn Students Have Green Passes

This morning, close to 10,000 undergraduates out of a population of 10,000 undergraduates received red passes, signifying non-compliance with the University’s COVID testing policies. After rigorous data gathering and ethnographic research, Under the Button found that a total of seven (7) deeply awesome undergraduate students were awarded the coveted green pass. For our mathematically-oriented thinkers, this means a whopping .07% of Penn’s student body did their civic duty of protecting the Penn community from the novel coronavirus— and we are so proud of them! 

As a reward, these seven go-getters will get a high five, a pat on the back, and permission to take one free thing from ARCH (which no one has ever done before, so it’s extra special). 

“I’m just so upset that the vast majority of the student body failed to comply with these very unclear directions that were completely devoid of all warnings. We don’t understand why no one got what biweekly means, which no one has ever understood ever— and this is most certainly a reflection of student stupidity and not administrative incompetence,” Dean Sniegowski told UTB. 

All students, save the Sniegowski Seven, must face two punishments: one) getting two COVID tests by friday, and two) public flogging in front of College Hall.