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Wellness Win! CAPS Announces Plan to Start Lacing Commons Entrées With Prozac

Photo by Matthew Frank with edits

In an effort to improve students’ collective mental health on campus, CAPS has unveiled a plan that involves slipping the antidepressant drug Prozac into all 1920 Commons entrées.

“It’s simple really,” says CAPS director Carmen Sorano. “By making students feel better without their knowledge, we eliminate the middleman of ‘therapy’, and our job is done. Is it unethical to drug students? Possibly. But at least they’ll be too woozy from the side effects to complain about it.”

For students that eat at Commons regularly and haven’t yet heard about the initiative, they’ve already seen rapid shifts in their overall mood.

“I don’t know why, but ever since I’ve started eating three Commons meals a day, I’ve been feeling way, way less depressed,” College junior Kendall Royce said. “Maybe the turkey breast has been unbelievable lately or I’m just losing my mind, but Commons food is making me feel like a whole new man.”

If the plan works as it should, CAPS is looking into expanding their well-being initiative by putting Zoloft into the fruit and, for those feeling especially downtrodden, lithium into the desserts.