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“I’m Coming to Your Show” and Other Lies I’ve Told This Week


Photo, with edits, by Adam First / Daily Pennsylvanian

Penn’s campus is a thriving hub for the performing arts, from dance groups, to music ensembles, to cis men who dress up as women for a cheap laugh. During this time of year, the members of this thriving hub can be found in the center of Locust Walk performing a degrading, oftentimes kinky ritual known as walk shifting. 

If you have attempted to get to class peacefully in the past two weeks, you have no doubt been harassed by desperate performers from any number of groups, begging you to come to their show. It’s going to be amazing this semester! Best show on campus! You can’t miss it! And I’m sure that’s true, Full Measure A Cappella. But I still don't want to come. 

While no one has any desire to bear witness to an hour and a half worth of, say, an a cappella performance put on by people they don’t know and aren’t sexually attracted to, that doesn’t stop any group from yelling at you on Locust and pleading with you to come listen to them sing. And no, of course you aren’t going to go to the show. You aren’t even going to scan the QR code they just handed you. But do you have the heart to say that to them? Can you bear to look into their eyes, their innocent, pleading eyes, and tell them no one cares? I certainly don’t. Here are three excuses to use, and other lies I’ve told this week.

“I already bought my ticket!”

Ye olde classic Locust lie. Are they even for sale yet? Doesn't matter. The only risk here is if they ask which show you’re going to, but play it cool if pressed. Saturday night is usually a safe option. 

"Sorry, I'll be way too busy with my annual shave this weekend."

The best lies are based in truth. Plus it's guaranteed that they won't ask questions. 

"No, YOU should come to MY show this weekend." 

Uno Reverse! Ball is in their court now. 

“OMG I miss you so much, let’s get lunch sometime!”

Said to the person that stopped me on Locust to say hi. They look so damn familiar, maybe writing sem? Lived in my hall freshman year? Hell if I know. I probably don’t even have their number saved anyway, so even though I have no intention of ever texting them, at least I can use that as a justification for why I can’t.

“Ah shit sorry my Flair is dead :(“

A lie that needs to be used WAY too often, if we're being real. Do you greedy fucks have any shame? Why do I even bother buying these things if they’re apparently communal anyway? If you see me pulling it out of my bra to take a hit after I told you it was dead, mind your damn business. 

"Don't worry babe, that happens to every guy."

It doesn't. And I won't be texting you back.

"No Mom, cigarettes are gross. I would never do that."

Self-explanatory. Sorry Mom.