Wellness Win! CAPS to Offer Free Cock and Ball Torture

At long last, thousands of depressed students all around the world can go to sleep at ease tonight. After months of lobbying the University of Pennsylvania administration with money, protests, and much worse, the requests of the people will finally be honored. Starting this very Monday, CAPS will be offering cock-and-ball torture to anyone with a penis. 

“Finally!” Rafael Picazso, Wharton ‘23, told UTB reporters. “It’s about time we started getting some actual therapy around here.” Without anyone asking for it, Rafael went on to describe in detail how such services have helped him in the past. “One of my ex-girlfriends actually almost snapped my dick in half but after that, I’ve felt like a new person. Actually, it rejuvenated my will to live. Anyone who's looking for help, real help, will benefit from having their balls smashed a few times, you know?”

Prominent Penn feminist Abigal Tumbles, College ‘22, however, argues: “Honestly, it’s sexist. Where is the clitoris stimulation therapy at CAPS? Where is the tiddy appreciation? If we’re a post-modern society, we need to provide for vaginas, labia, and most importantly — more BDSM adjacent activities.”

Despite the protest, everyone agrees this is a step in the right direction. Picazso, once again without being asked, stressed, “Make sure they strangle your dick until it turns blue. That’s when I finally saw nirvana.”