Early And Often! How I Voted Nine Times Before 5 AM

3:35am: Woke up. Stretched and mentally prepared for a long day of voter fraud.

3:39am: Made a venti mocha frappe (I work at Starbucks).

3:42am: Packed eight disguises into a rainbow duffle bag.

3:44am: Left the house in my electric MINI Cooper. Drove to voting location #1: Bucks County.

3:52am: Arrived. Put on first disguise (elderly person) and broke into the polling place. Signed for a deceased voter in the record book. Voted for all the Democrats, but only if they were women.

3:53-4:10am: Cycled through five more elderly person disguises. Voted five more times.

4:12am: Got into the car and left for location #2: Lancaster.

4:16am: Arrived. Put on Amish person costume. Apologized for being so early—I had no way of telling what time it was, as an Amish person. Voted for communists.

4:17am: I am very fast. Got back into MINI Cooper and drove to location #3: Harrisburg.

4:19am: Arrived. My car is also very fast. Put on next disguise—Tom Wolf. This time they were ready for me at the Capitol because governors also like to vote early and often.

4:20am: Nice. Cast Gay Agenda Hillary Clinton Ballot. Thanked the secret service and kissed Mrs. Wolf goodbye. Got back into the MINI Cooper.

4:22am: Departed for final location: Philadelphia.

4:28am: Arrived and waved PA fake ID around until they HAD to give me a ballot.

4:31am: Wrote in Pete Buttigieg for every position. He’s bound to get one of them.

4:32am: Left and celebrated my success by checking the status of my 32 early mail-in ballots. They’re all accounted for :)

4:34am: Bought a venti mocha frappe from Starbucks.