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How to Promote the Gay Agenda as Someone who Hates Coffee and Doesn’t have Money

Photo by SB Nation

For a community once known to deviate from the norm, the queers succumb to lots of stereotypes. Face it, we can all name a homosexual man (colloquially known as a twink) who is otherwise incomplete without light washed skinny jeans (cuffed, to ensure maximal ankle to air exposure), an equally tailored shirt, and of course, an iced coffee (never with animal milk). 

Given how important it is to assimilate, those who can’t afford a daily, bi-daily, poly-daily, or pan-daily purchase of an iced milky delight often face financial burden, stress, and humiliation. Just for a cup of indigestion! 

Alas, while I wish I could reverse the stigma so rampant in this conformist culture, at an old age, I have come to understand that sometimes stereotypes and rules exist in society for a reason. Women are meant to stay in the kitchen, because they are better at cooking; they are also beneficiaries of skirt culture, bajingos are meant to breathe! Like women, struggling gay people need to suck it up (even if it is only a tall cup of whole milk with ice in) and fit in. 

I do not posit that caffeinated financial burden is nonexistent: these are real problems. The eventual ability to purchase coffee without constraint should serve as motivation to become a venture capitalist or marry one. 

However, for the time being follow these simple tips!

Make an initial investment in a Starbucks Grande iced coffee for $2.65

In theory, one could get this same plastic cup for free by ordering a grande iced water. However, it would not be wise to promote homophobia by annoying a barista and the inevitable stains in your cup are essential to this plan.

Specifically request a straw

Unfortunately, we live in the days when a man just can’t get a straw. What happened to the customer always being right? Regardless of the toils you may experience to acquire this straw, it is aesthetically essential for you to be able to bite your straw and look judgingly at others. 

Here is where the money is, or rather, where it isn’t (which is why you care)

Reuse this cup over and over again. Put anything brown and liquidy in it. Then mix it with any white liquid you might have lying around. Have an image in your head? Great! Chocolate milk right?  And no, chocolate milk isn’t too childish. If it does the trick, it does the trick. Eventually, the cup will be so brown, one could never doubt that there is indeed a tasteful iced coffee in it.  

I concede that my advice may be hard to follow. At times you might question why you even bother if consuming the actual beverage contorts your gut in ways where what comes out looks more like coffee than what went in. But at the end of the day, you’ll realize that you don’t actually hate coffee, it’s the vaccines and your estranged relationship with your father that are making you think that.