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Meet the Penn Students Who Ghostwrite All of My Articles


Photo by Alex O / CC BY-SA 2.0

Hi I’m Josh I’m Harrison I’m Julia Call me Stacy It’s Gloria The name’s Justin!

We’re the Penn students who ghostwrite all of Ian’s articles Yeah Yeah Hehe It’s not easy work but he pays us in exposure Speak for yourself muchacho Hehe Guys! Shut up! For Pete’s sake! Let her speak!

We work great as a team Okay question what’s the process of writing an article Hehe Well it starts with an idea Passes through quality assurance Hehe Hours and hours of laborious editing Hehe To become the absolute drivel you’re lookin at right now Justin! Hehe

Oh for the love of! Guys I won’t lie guys I hate this goddamn job so much Huh? What? I’m at the University of Pennsylvania for God’s sake Hehe I should be sipping martinis and smokin hot cigarillos Hehe as the sun sets not padding my resume with useless bullcrap Hehe that nobody cares about Bro You know that’s not true! Yeah, what she said You’ve gotta change that attitude of yours Yeah Yeah Adopt a growth mindset man Hehe Yeah yeah! Holy smokes are we gonna finish this video or what Yeah if Justin stops screwing things up Hehe What an absolute screwball Hehe Maniac Hehe Jesus Christ guys Guys Act your age Hehe Okay Betty Crocker!

Damn it guys I’m done! It’s over! It’s all over! I don’t want to read transgressive fiction anymore Hehe just to write stupid articles for some chump Hehe that doesn’t seem to give a single solitary shit about us Yeah yeah I can’t study up on damn Baudrillard I’m failing all of my goddamn classes! Hehe This is serious Yeah man this is my motherloving life Hehe we’re playing with here! Hehe My life! My life! Wasted on some schmuck who eats up all the fame and glory leaving nothing but the scraps on his plate Hehe When’s my big break? When’s my big break man when is JUSTIN going to hit the mainstream? Huh? Never! Hehe Yeah Yeah Damn it!

Woah Dude we’re on camera What’s wrong with you Sincerely Yeah Guys Hehe you had better back me up on this or else You good man? Hehe No! Hehe okay Yeah Okay Hey Christ on crutches Calm down No no you know what? I won’t calm down Huh? I won’t calm down! I’m leaving man leaving this is complete and utter bullshit Woah that I won’t stand for my time is better spent I don’t know learning archery Hehe or some tangible skill or something that I actually fricken enjoy for once Huh? not delving into metalanguage Hehe just to make a stupid goddamn pun Hehe about Amy Gutmann’s goddamn name Hehe Okay? Hehe I’m through! Finished! C’est la vie! Oh! There it is! That’s it! Hehe That’s another thing Hehe what’s with all the damn French? Hmm Yeah Yeah Huh? Huh? Why in the name of all that is holy Hehe is the use of a French phrase a requirement for every single fricken article of his? Hehe Someone explain! Yeah Yeah Explain! Explain! Is he French and paying homage to his beloved homeland or something? Hehe Is it all part of some cruel abstruse joke Hehe transcending the very fabric of time and space? Maybe Hehe Do the Gauls Hehe themselves look down upon me their faces contorted with pity and mirth? Hehe Oh Father in Heaven why? Why oh why does nobody explain this stuff to me? I don’t even know if he’s French! Listen to me! I don’t even know whether or not the guy forcing me to write this stuff is French! God damn it!

(The tape ends here.)