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Breaking: Penn Has a Football Team


Photos by the Daily Pennsylvanian

In a development that left many students saying, “Huh?”, it has been reported that the University of Pennsylvania does indeed have a football team. As it turns out, all of the 'athletes' seen around campus on scooters, in cutesy matching outfits, or in a Geology lecture, actually do play a sport for an organized and official team. 

This discovery originated after multiple students reported receiving emails from an address claiming to be ‘Penn Athletics’. These emails offered all kinds of prizes to incentivize students to attend a supposed football game at a suspicious location referred to as ‘Franklin Field’. Assuming the message was some type of elaborate scam, most students either deleted or reported the email. However, an investigation by Under The Button discovered that the claims were, in fact, true. 

Students were puzzled by this revelation. “Wait, really?,” asked College senior Emily Montes. “I just feel like if that were true, I would have at least heard about it by now.” Another student suggested that maybe the reports were actually about Penn State University, a school known for their football team and not much else. 

We reached out to the ‘Director of Athletics’ for clarification on the existence of the team. When asked to comment, the Director let out a deep sigh. “Well, I’m glad someone is at least trying to get the word out. It’s homecoming this weekend, so if you can get some kids to come out to the game that would be cool.”

The apparent link between homecoming and football has further confused us at UTB, as we only associate homecoming with drugs, blacking out, and searching for our favorite hot alumni that have returned. But like, Go Quakers, I guess.