Even if your parents don’t come, it’s still an exciting time — you already know that your roommate is rich, now it's time to see if they also have a hot dad.

The ice cream social will take place on October 8th, as a tribute to the townhome residents who will be evicted on that day. Although none of the residents or community organizers are invited to the social, it is expected that President Magill will acknowledge them in her speech by vaguely referring to “Penn’s neighbors in West Philly” who “deserve our respect, but not our money nor our attention.” 

The results are in and the science has spoken: barely legal girls just do it better. 

After two and a half years behind masks at all times in all public settings, students have not only developed intense blackheads; they’ve also been fomenting some seriously dangerous bad breath. The University has taken decisive steps to combat this new threat to public health.  

That half-zebra print, half-cheetah print bodysuit with ‘Vegan Babe’ emblazoned in lime green? Absolutely hideous! And yet this fearless pioneer added that to her cart within seconds, in full view by the lecture hall of students behind her.  

And besides, what else does Penn need to be spending money on? Subsidizing cost of living for FGLI students? Expanding financial aid packages?

The truth of the matter is that all of Russia’s best seasons are behind it. Putin can try his best to push the envelope by “violating international law” and “ignoring the national sovereignty of neighboring countries,” but for true fans, all the dynamism of the former Communist bloc is gone. 

According to Dylan, it's all part of the alpha mindset. “If you tell yourself you’re not cold, you won’t be c-c-cold,” he told us, teeth chattering.  

Let’s address the university’s new double mask mandate for what it is: a blatantly misogynistic attack on the rights of sexy girls everywhere to show some skin and release some particles. 

Traditionally, if Phil emerges and sees his shadow, he returns to his hole and that means we can expect 6 more weeks of winter. This year, though, things were different. 

Students planning on studying abroad in the spring have been shocked to discover that, after a year and a half away from campus and heavy travel restrictions in many overseas countries this past fall, there is practically no one who is only in need of housing for the second half of the year. 

After the decision was publicized, Wax could be seen flying above the Law School skywriting various curses and “SURRENDER SHEEPLE” in black smoke. 

While the student had initially entered the office seeking an increase in her financial aid package, she left in tears as the new owner of a very stylish pen and absolutely no money at all. 

No, Mom and Dad, this is not some irresponsible decision or “proof that I need to get my shit together.” This is ketamine, and now researchers say that it has the potential to help heal from trauma or treat mental illness or something, I don’t really know. 

The rest of the show went on this way, with each new version of the song adding a new cup in the background, as well as occasional harmonizing.  

In order to shield any nerd who might decide to wear a mask at such a late hour from ridicule, Allegro has decided to fully ban masks in the interest of safety. 

The discovery originated after multiple students reported receiving emails from an address claiming to be ‘Penn Athletics’. These emails offered all kinds of prizes to incentivize students to attend a supposed football game at a suspicious location referred to as ‘Franklin Field’. 

Students will continue to carry all of their shit from table to table on the first floor of Van Pelt, in search of one of the elusive outlets that work 24/7. 

According to the long-forgotten policy, any student has the option to challenge their professor to a duel to dispute an exam grade. Amazingly, students are even able to rent out pistols for the duel from Van Pelt.