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Mary Grace Meredith


Articles

A Trip Into Psychedelic Medicine: I Took Ketamine at a Party

No, Mom and Dad, this is not some irresponsible decision or “proof that I need to get my shit together.” This is ketamine, and now researchers say that it has the potential to help heal from trauma or treat mental illness or something, I don’t really know. 


A Cappella Show Review: They Just Sang the Cup Song Over and Over Again

The rest of the show went on this way, with each new version of the song adding a new cup in the background, as well as occasional harmonizing.  


BREAKING: Allegro Bans Masks After 12:00 AM

In order to shield any nerd who might decide to wear a mask at such a late hour from ridicule, Allegro has decided to fully ban masks in the interest of safety. 


Breaking: Penn Has a Football Team

The discovery originated after multiple students reported receiving emails from an address claiming to be ‘Penn Athletics’. These emails offered all kinds of prizes to incentivize students to attend a supposed football game at a suspicious location referred to as ‘Franklin Field’. 


Report: Outlets in Van Pelt Only Broken When in Use

Students will continue to carry all of their shit from table to table on the first floor of Van Pelt, in search of one of the elusive outlets that work 24/7. 


Student Challenges Professor to Duel Over Exam Grade

According to the long-forgotten policy, any student has the option to challenge their professor to a duel to dispute an exam grade. Amazingly, students are even able to rent out pistols for the duel from Van Pelt. 



Girl With 5 Hour Daily Screen Time Simply Does Not Have Time To Read Class Material

"I don’t know how I can be expected to read all of that material when I also have to dedicate at least five hours a day to mindlessly scrolling through my phone.” 


'Good Work, Team' Says Guy in Your Recitation Who Ignored All Your Suggestions

What he lacks in experience, competence, and general knowledge from the reading and/or lecture, Josh more than makes up for in confidence. 


REPORT: COVID Spit Tests Longer Than 20 Seconds Indicate Head Game Weak

“It’s important that we know all we can about COVID,” said the lead researcher, “And even more important that we have an objective metric to determine who gives the best sloppy toppy.” 


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