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ESCANDALO: Penn to Replace Penn In-Touch With a Fax Machine


Wails were heard across campus today as Frau Gutmann announced what her final act as President would be. No, it’s not an Oktoberfest bender with each day themed to what she did with each million she’s earned - they did that last year - but finally we’re upgrading the Penn In-Touch system.

Yes, instead of a janky piece of software some failing motherfu**er from CIS120 could make one lazy Sunday afternoon, Gutmann looked to employ tactics taken from the only school at Penn she cares about, Wharton, and provided us with a janky piece of software some failing Wharton motherfu**er from CIS120 could pay someone to make. You see, by carefully and statistically analysing where the market opportunity lies, given the plethora of stock wantfully discarded since probably the 90s, our President found a way to cut costs while also increasing our fees

Voila the fax machine. Nah king, don’t throw me no emoji. This is straight facts. No ifs, ands or modernity behind it. Just consider this the vinyl of the educational logging and tracking systems age. And Penn In-Touch is the CD, newer yet, like, less cool. 

If you want to get to know your new best friend, reports are predicting the lines for usage are going to be long. And remember the golden rule, if you forget your Official Penn Code Fax Authentication Ninety-Five Digit Privacy And Security Number (OPCFANFDPSAN, ofc) then back of the queue haha. 

But not everyone is happy about this change. Becky Anderson complained, “UGH I just love the two-factor authentication too much and now there’s one less way to do it each day … LITERALLY LIKE KMS CRY.” Slay, queen.