Penn Marriage Pact Finds 76% of Undergraduate Student Body to be Unloveable
Photo by Pexels / Edits by The Daily Pennsylvanian
November 1, 2021 at 11:39 am
This past week, thousands of lonely undergrads desperately filled out the Penn Marriage Pact, an algorithm-based service intended to match up compatible students. The form asked a variety of questions, ranging from gender preference to abortion stance.
But once the algorithm was run, a (not very) shocking discovery was made: most of you are genuinely just unworthy of love. Like, seriously. This year’s marriage pact pool was the biggest in Penn’s history, but it’s no surprise that so many of you are single.
“No, like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? We’ve never dealt with such an insufferable group of students,” said a member of the class board, who wished to remain anonymous. “We know you desperately want to ignore your personal problems by distracting yourself with someone else, but most of you genuinely just suck.”
The algorithm reports that 76% of respondents are unloveable, 62% are annoying, 67% are obnoxious, 88% are undesirable, and 51% are detestable.
So before you lovers prepare your vows, please, please work on yourselves. We’re begging you.
Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) at Penn: (215) 898-7021