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Chaily Derecskey


Articles

If Professor Old, Then Why Sexy?

Only a professor’s combination of graying hair, softly wrinkled skin, and comments that make you say, “Wait, is he a Republican?” could so perfectly satisfy both my sapiosexuality and my Oedipus complex.


Justice Served! Penn to Implement “28 Strikes and You’re Out” Policy Towards Racially Insensitive Professors

"We can excuse one or two or ten racially insensitive remarks, but we will draw the line at twenty-eight.  We will not tolerate those who repeatedly—and we mean repeatedly—promote white supremacy."


OP-ED: They Should Just Stack the High Rises on Top of Each Other

Nothing screams Ivy League like 25 beige stories studded with sparsely dispersed windows, adding some much-needed cement to the historical West Philly landscape. Plus, I often find myself yearning for an elevator ride that’s just a little bit longer.


Productivity Win! Student Finishes One Third of Assignment and Takes Sexy Mirror Pic

Sure, homework is ‘important,’ and there are ‘deadlines,’ but sexy mirror pics are timeless.  I won’t have this bod forever!


Masturbation Marathon! My Roommate Is in the Shower

Ten blissful minutes seal my fate; I fervently self-lubricate. A breast to rub, a bean to flick, I close my eyes. I masturbate.


Penn Marriage Pact Finds 76% of Undergraduate Student Body to be Unloveable

No, like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys?


New Waste Reduction Initiative Requires Students to Eat Out of Dining Hall Workers’ Cupped Hands

The sustainability team also encourages sucking their fingers clean in order to get every last tasty drop.


Wow! Most Privileged Motherfuckers in Country Find Some New Shit to Complain About

Out of those surveyed, 82% think the dining hall food is “gross,” 68% think the dining hall staff could have “better attitudes,” and 97% will never have to work in the food industry in their lives.


Misogynist? This Male Professor Assigns Female Students Homework

We have to draw a line somewhere.


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