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Penn To 'Seriously Consider' Housing Students


Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian

Following recent backlash over housing affordability and water damage in multiple dorms, Penn has released an official mission statement: “We’re gonna mull it over.”

The statement, emailed early on Saturday, says, “We hear you, and we are here to reassure you that we are seriously, seriously considering creating livable conditions in our dorms. We just haven’t decided yet. There are pros and cons to providing affordable housing, but mostly cons :( We also have no idea where we would make up the $2 million deficit in our $3.7 billion annual budget.”

The decision to think long and hard about whether students deserve housing or not was not an easy one to make. “We’re not sure we totally understand the value of this plan, seeing as it is neither saving us time nor earning us money, but we are willing to explore our options,” reported the Board of Trustees, in unison.

Within the past week, both Harnwell and Lauder College House experienced major flooding and room damage as a result of sprinkler malfunctions.

“It’s just a little bit of water, big whoop,” says President Amy Gutmann. “I don’t know what the big deal is — just get your housekeepers to throw out whatever got wet.”

Students in Harnwell and Lauder were offered rooms at the Sheraton while the water was pumped out of their dorms. This was not the case for a graduate student who lived on campus benches for well over a month before Student Intervention Services graciously stepped in and told him to screw off.

“This was a decision that, unfortunately, we have to take responsibility for,” laments the SIS director, who chose to remain anonymous. “Had we been more proactive, we may have been able to kick this guy out sooner. It was a bad look for the University, and we totally own that. I personally think that anti-homeless architecture is suuuuuuper cool, and you can expect to see more of it in Penn’s future.”

Despite this heartfelt show of remorse, many students are still protesting Penn’s housing price tag.

“C’mon, 15K for the academic year? That’s nothing compared to what we’ve driven the local rates to!” cried an exasperated Gutmann. “Come gentrificatio— I mean, graduation—you’d be lucky to find a monthly rate lower than that in West Philly. Don’t hate, appreciate.”