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Life is Too Short to Be Sad: Here’s How to Be Downright Miserable


Photo by Fotorech / CC0

Fleeting, ephemeral, momentary, transient. Fading, passing, flitting, evanescent. The clock is ticking, and we’re all trying to make the most of things before we unceremoniously shuffle off of this mortal coil. And sometimes, the weight of it all just… gets to you. Listen to me: you don’t have to deal with this alone. We are but mere mortals in the grand scheme of things, so why waste your time on this earth feeling sad? Here’s how to feel downright miserable instead.

1) Step Up Your Cry Game

You may find yourself shedding a few tears before you go to sleep every night pondering the nature of existence and the futility of it all. Weak shit, dude. Next time you have an existential crisis, try to cry for a prolonged period of 3 hours or more. Don’t stop until your face is red and puffy and you throw up the instant noodles you had for dinner.

2) Cut Yourself Off from Your Support Group

Your support network of friends and people who genuinely care about you might be holding you back from true melancholy. Consider cutting them off abruptly and for no apparent reason. When they try to contact you out of worry, just say you’re “out fishin’” and refuse to elaborate.

3) Survive Off of Bubble Tea and Cheetos

Fruits and vegetables, while good for you, will also prevent you from feeling like you’re at the bottom of a deep, dark ocean, helpless to fight back against the currents. Since that is the goal, I would advise switching onto a diet composed solely of bubble tea, Cheetos, and whatever you call the slurry you get when combining them. It may sound tasty at first, but after taking a few sips and munching on a few puffs, I guarantee you will be filled with intense regret and loathing.

4) Get into League of Legends

Honestly, this is the only step that is 100% effective. You can go ahead and disregard everything else. Buy a keyboard with rainbow lighting. Go crazy.