Breaking: UTB Rebrands As up the Butt in Support of Our Gays
January 27, 2022 at 3:03 pm
After much careful deliberation, UTB has officially announced it will no longer go by Under the Button but by the more democratic and accurate brand: Up the Butt.
The new name not only correctly describes the sole constituents of the publication–gays and hot people–but it justly demonstrates the newspaper’s support of the former’s population.
The entire UTB staff agreed that it was the most equitable direction to take. While there is little to no heterosexual discrimination within the organization, there was complete consensus that it was time for our gays to be at the forefront.
Great big banners all across Locust joyously displayed the improved name change while Up the Butt staff distributed poppers, anal beads, douches, and many more pro-homosexual items.
"Finally our culture!" exclaimed Ben Guzmán, proud gay and tormented CIS major, "We don't have to fuck in secrete anymore. Look out Penn: the gays are coming".
The UTB community only hopes new president Elizabeth Magill will follow the publications' lead by taking more diversity initiatives in order to transform campus into a safe haven for our fellow homosexuals.