Meet the Bitter and Unfulfilled Penn Students Who Stared Blankly After I Stuck My Thumbs in My Ears and Made a Funny Face

I don’t know if you’ve heard of this or not, but last Friday I made a really funny face by placing my thumbs in my ears, sticking out my tongue, and waggling my fingers around. Aw geez, you just had to be there.

Now, UTB has secured an exclusive interview with the so-called “Penn students” who witnessed this hilarious gesture, but inexplicably remained stony-faced for the entire duration of the proverbial “show.” Let’s see what they have to say for themselves!

UTB: Thanks for sitting down with me today. So, just to start off, could you tell me a bit about why you guys are such bitter, unfulfilled assholes?

James: Sorry, man, I don’t know. I guess I’ve been really busy lately. There’s just so much on my mind, it’s hard to focus sometimes. I’m really sorry, man.

UTB: Yeah, sure, sure, life gets us down every now and then. But, tell me — does that really warrant becoming a jaded cynic, where not even a classic entry from the Western canon of clown repertoires can make you crack the tiniest smile?

Sarah: I mean, these are stressful times. We’re living during a literal pandemic, and yet, we’re expected to work tirelessly, day and night, with no real end in sight. I’m sorry, but yelling “it’s showtime” and making a silly face for a couple seconds isn’t going to make things better.

UTB: Oh, okay, I hear you sister, definitely. Hmm… but it’s just a bit odd, right? Like, the face I made was funny. Objectively funny. I know this for a fact, because I practice it in the mirror every day. My grandma says I’m a very handsome person, and likable to boot. So, the problem obviously does not lie within moi. Really, what I’m trying to ask here is — when did you guys become such emotionally unavailable pieces of shit? 

Ted: I’ve always been like this, you know. Like, I feel like there’s always been an emotional barrier separating me from others, and no matter how much I try to reach out and pierce the grand obstacle, it never works. Never. Maybe I was just born this way. Maybe this is just who I am.

UTB: Oh sorry, that’s kinda sad. Though, I’m not sure if you really understood the question. I wasn’t really looking for an introspective reflection on your own nature, per se; I just wanted you to acknowledge that the time I made an absurd face before breaking into a Charleston was, like, the pinnacle of comedy. Well, whatever. Pearls before swine, I suppose. Thank you guys for your time, and uhh… like, lighten up a bit, yeah? Jesus.