Quitting Nicotine Is So Easy! I’ve Already Done It Like 6 Times

After giving my Tinder date a handjob in the movie theater and realizing that he stole my Juul in the process, I decided to enter my new era of self-improvement. No more nicotine for me! Each morning, I would wake up and write “Vaping Kills” in my journal, over and over, until my hands bled. I would go online (to the Youtube) to watch videos of why vaping is bad for you. I even had plenty of at-home remedies for curbing my cravings: my most effective solution was to repeatedly bang my head against my kitchen counter until I would lose consciousness.

After my move to college, I really entered a new period of self-amelioration. The posters hung up around the quad informing me that vaping is, in fact, bad for you, kept me on the straight and narrow. Each time I faced temptation, I would walk to one of these posters, stare at it, sob violently for an hour, and take a nap after. Of course, this didn’t apply to stealing or hitting other people’s Flairs at parties because that doesn’t count. Neither does buying cigarettes, because that makes me look mysterious. Overall, 10/10 experience! Quit vaping, guys.