Reverse Cowgirl and 9 Other Workarounds to Mask-Fishing

Disclaimer: Author is Chinese. Author does not engage in the list. This is fiction.

TBH, I’ve always been a mask skeptic. As a chaste white girl, growing up watching Fox News and seeing Nixon go to China, it all looked like ching chong propaganda to me. I mean WTF? Why are all these Chinese people wearing masks?? It’s just a little fog. These Chinese people must have been under some sort of commie spell to believe that their little pieces of paper were doing anything except accentuating their fox eyes. BTW, have you noticed that I have fox eyes? Then came the Kung Flu. Those damn Chinese. Now they had us, the free, capitalist world wearing masks and not leaving our houses? WTF??? At least I still had a gun in my house. They will never take away my god-given right to bear arms.

Unfortunately, the majority of the Americans I interacted with (I live in a liberal hellhole) called me out when I wouldn’t wear a mask. I mean, I am insecure about my missing teeth and gaping mouth, but this felt excessive. Alas, I had to accept that the masks are here to stay. Now that I’ve accepted it and the mask mandate is coming down, I’m actually kind of sad, here’s why:

I went through a radical transformation during quarantine. Once a sexless being, I became a supreme horn dog. All I could think about were vice and sausages. My carnal urges became too strong and I decided to sacrifice my chastity and name my child that instead. The problem is I’m really ugly. Men stay away from me at darties, so in order to not be a social outcast, I try to act at night. However, this is less than ideal as I try to devote my nights to prayer, repenting for my lustful sins. Masks offered the perfect solution. 

My bosom could now be mounted without my face being a massive turnoff. Masks were the new protection; I’ll take paper over latex any day. Now that masks are over, I’ve had to find other ways to cope with my ugliness. 

For one, head is off the table. I’ve heard men like it when your teeth graze their jewels and I just don’t have any. Therefore, we must stick to penetration or fondling. I’ve devised a list of solutions for the girls who miss “mask-fishing” like I do:

1. Reverse cowgirl: All he will see is a little bacne, but who doesn’t have welts all over their back?
2. Blindfold him: See No Evil.
3. Doggy-style: no, not Chinese food! If you know, you know :)
4. Butt sex: duh
5. Wear a bag on your head: Plastic is always better; suffocating enhances the experience
6. Wear a Minecraft helmet: Incels love this
7. Get plastic surgery: a worthy investment in life-long ‘gasms
8. Do it under the table: he can sit and enjoy a meal while you enjoy yours (metaphorically) under the table 
9. Wear a fur suit: I learned this one when I was bestowed with one by my encounter in the Kelly Writers House
10. Buy a dominatrix mask: like Kat from Euphoria (my idol), looks should never stop you from being a slut!

I hope these tips were helpful. Comment your experiences with being ugly and horny down below.