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OP-ED: It’s Time to Get That Nose Job, Stacey


With the indoor mask mandate lifting, every member of the Penn community has one question on their mind: Should I get a nose job?

Personally, I'm anti-cosmetic surgery because I believe everyone is beautiful in their own way—except for you, Stacey.

Look in the mirror, you ugly piece of shit. That whopping schnoz on your face makes me literally gag. What are you, a toucan?  I mean, how do you eat? How do you avoid little pebbles getting stuck up there every time you breathe? Do you just tip over constantly because your nose is so heavy? 

Without masks, your disgusting nose is now exposed to the world, and there’s only one way to save you from complete and utter embarrassment: cut it off!

While not everyone can afford to have their face sculpted by a professional plastic surgeon, cost should not deter you from permanently altering your appearance to reach your beauty potential!

Here are some ways to fix with your face without breaking the bank:

  1. Shave it off
  2. Put flesh eating bugs inside your nose and let them do their magic
  3. Put your nose in a door and slam it!
  4. Place two pieces of bread on either side of your nose, tell someone it’s a sandwich and let them take a big bite!
  5. Pray every day for a new nose and God will deliver
  6. Post on an anonymous forum and ask someone to conduct plastic surgery for free. Someone will definitely respond. They always do.
  7. Fake a rare disease that requires a nose transplant
  8. Fall on some concrete and live with whatever the results of your recovery are
  9. Find a genie lamp and use one of your wishes on a new nose
  10. Use a lot of bronzer and contouring every day
  11. Get hired in a feature film with a character and have the makeup artist design you a new nose
  12. Put some silly putty on your nose
  13. Rub some dog food on your nose and get near wolves. Wait for an animal attack
  14. Piss off a witch and have her curse you with a new nose
  15. Go to med school and become a plastic surgeon and then operate on your own face. Don’t just wait for others to fix your problems. Be a go-getter!

Whatever method you choose and whatever the results, trust me, you can’t look worse than you currently do. So, seize the day, you now gorgeous creature. Go smell some roses... if you still can.