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Seven Scary Tactics to Make Your Code Run


Photo by ah.radwan / CC0 1.0

Code not running? Frustrated and at wit’s end? Do not fret, my mild-mannered, STEM-minded individual — these seven spooky tips are sure to get your code up and running in no time.

  1. Wait until your code isn’t looking, then scream “Yahtzee!” really loudly. Before you know it, your code will be speeding out of there in no time flat.
  2. Show your code a failed MATH 114 final. Ahh! There goes your scholarship!
  3. Play some 100 gecs for your code. It won’t be able to cope with the myriad of abstract concepts at play, causing it to cower in fear from the genius that is Dylan Brady and Laura Les. Nine out of ten times, your code will then quickly scuttle away to have a small existential crisis.
  4. Frighten your code by threatening to erase it, line-by-line. Hey, you can never go wrong with <body> horror.
  5. Do some research into your code’s history and try to emulate a traumatic experience from its childhood. Get creative with this one, and your code will be making a beeline for the nearest fire escape before you know it.
  6. Smash an overripe banana between your bare hands and begin to ravenously lick up all of the residue. Your code will be able to tell that you are insane and have nothing to lose, and it will swiftly get the hell out of Dodge.
  7. Tell your code that in the real world, nobody will be there to help it. Tell it that you’re on your own, and that if you screw up, you alone have to deal with the consequences. If that doesn’t get your code sweating, then tell it this: even if you do everything you’re supposed to and try your very hardest, every single day, a happy and peaceful life is no guarantee. Ask it: at this moment, do you genuinely feel fulfilled? Are you mentally, physically, and spiritually healthy? Or are you merely surviving, day by day, week by week, year by year? Are you spending your precious time doing the things you really love, or are you caught in a loop, mindlessly pursuing empty, fruitless credentials? Fate is fickle, and time flows away like sand — we won’t know we’ve lost our chance to truly live until the moment is long gone, and we are left bitter, with nothing but our regrets to keep us company.

Personally, that last one worked for me! Let me know down in the comments below which tips got your code running!