Penn SHS Recommends Receiving 100 Backshots Before Bed to Avoid Freshman Flu

Look over at your roommate right now. Are they sleeping? Do they look magically beautiful, like a freshly picked carnation? Maybe they are doing a dance next to you. I love to dance, personally. I could be a dancer if I wanted to, or maybe a life coach. I could also be a model. Truthfully, I could do every job in the world perfectly, except being a spy. My beautiful ass would not be able to go anywhere unnoticed!

Now, imagine if your roommate was the ugliest and sickliest person you have ever seen in your life.They have stayed awake, night after night, from coughing bouts and just being ugly in general. They fell ill a few days ago despite being a good little liberal and wearing their mask to class even though it wasn’t required. Do you want this to happen to your roommate?

Thankfully, our beloved experts at Student Health Services have performed thorough research to determine the cure to the incoming freshman plague: backshots! This is a concept that most of you who are already ugly are familiar with. One hundred or more backshots every night before bed prevent infection from this Penn-specific strain of flu. SHS went further to compile a list of the 5 best places to receive backshots on/around campus: 

1. Quad Wawa
2. St. Anthony’s Hall chapter house (on account of all the gay sex that already happens there)
3. 1920 Commons communal condiments station
4. Magic Gardens
5. Kelly Writer’s House bathtub

So far, reviews have been positive: “I love it! My girlfriend is anyways too ugly to hit from the front, so this is a great excuse,” one freshman said. Do your roommate, friend, or lover a favor, and hit it from the back this weekend.