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One Child Nation! Chinese International Realizes on a Night Out That She in Fact Does Not Know a Brother


Photo by Julian Valgora

MATH114 taught her calculus. 

WRIT025 taught her to love the written word. 

But it was LGST100 which taught her to disobey all of Confucianism, and question moral relativism. 

Tianshi “Teeny Tiny Tina” Jiang (C’25)  discovered an auspicious nuance of the international student experience last Friday. Her day as a ‘Chinese Chinese’ individual began as normal, characterized by the typical quick Elle Woodsian bend and snap exclaiming ‘Gong Xi Fa Cai’, but chaos ensued at 4pm sharp, the hour of death. Aiya!

“The omens were clear that evening,” TTT said. “My hotpot was in complete disarray; the eye of Tiananmen was befalling me!”

Chinese-American student Ariana Grande (C’23) was present at the manifestation of the omen. As a strict observer herself of Feng Shui, she had some keen comments pent up about the evening. 

“That silly little puta, I told her! I told her! I told her that house number was inauspicious, and by sheer rash behavior she tried nonetheless,” Ms. Grande whinnied and whined. 

While it could have been just any other night at a fraternity party, Triple T, after having gracefully ascended the hollowed wooden stairs leading to the heavenly citadel, her favorite Jewish organisation, was affronted by a most revelating message. For after Jimmy S. yelled the soft-boner inducing “Name 600  brothers,” with some rare chutzpah, Jiang suddenly saw all 5,000 years of Chinese civilization flash before her eyes. 

Time began from its birth, when Pan Gu emerged from the cosmic egg, and the blessed lands and fields unfurled like bounteous carpet for future prosperity. Han, Qi, Shi all grew, and like sparrows disintegrated. The Great Leap Forward, the Cultural Revolution, hollowly reflected upon with doublethink, before the masterpiece of her ancestors sliced its way into her central mind palace: the One Child Policy

Tianshi never had a brother of her own, but like Pan Gu, hopes to have her cosmic egg break open soon, too.