Penn to Divert Funds from Middle East Center Towards Implementation of Sharia Law in Frats

Alhamdullilah, our time has finally come. No longer will I have to find a woman to take to a mixer, for under the glorious rule of Islam I am only allowed to take a fine Muslim brother with a gorgeous well-kept beard that I will admire… through the eternal gaze of Allah.

Following the federal decision to defund the Middle East Center at Penn, the university has stressed the cultural and religious values that said center represents. Thus, in collaboration with the Intercultural Greek Council, sharia law will be implemented across all affiliated fraternities and sororities! No more 21+ bands necessary, for we are all equal in the eyes of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. 

This is a time of great change, but thankfully the IGC (Imam’s Greek Council) is here to provide some general guidelines to ease the transition. Adherence to the following basic articles of the Sharia constitution will prevent forced veiling of sorority sisters and provide even more rights to fraternity brothers:

Article 1: “The saying of Shahada, ‘There is no God but God (Allah), and Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah’, is mandatory during pledging season.”

Article 2: “The presence of alcoholic beverages in houses is not permitted for alcohol removes level-headedness. All floors must be licked clean of all alcohol residue stuck to them”.

Article 3: “The dues paid towards funding fraternity houses shall be redirected to local mosques, for all that is paid in the name of Allah shall be doubled in return”.

Inshallah sorority sisters will lovingly adopt the hijab and fraternity brothers will embrace polygamy over cheating.