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OP-ED: Mask and Wig Should Do One of These Shows Every Week!

Credit: Carey Salvin

It’s a beautiful Monday afternoon, stereotypically fall-like. Leaves on the ground, a breeze in the air, midterms on the mind. You’re peacefully walking down Locust, listening to Fetch the Boltcutters by Fiona Apple. In order, of course. 

Oh! But wait! There’s something that catches your attention – well – it grabs your attention – actually – it DEMANDS your attention. It’s a member of Mask & Wig, the “United States’ premier collegiate musical comedy troupe.”* You’re handed a flyer with a rough sketch of a girl cowboy (shocker, I know!). 

Please come to our show, they beg you. You don’t want to. You shouldn’t want to. For $25? There’s not a college student in the world that could afford that. 

Bring four friends, they encourage you. Group tickets are $12.50! But it’s a Wednesday night during midterm season. Even here at the Party Ivy, your friends (who are dweebs) prioritize their schoolwork. 

But don’t you fret, they reassure you. Wednesday evening tickets are 50% off! For the low, low price of $12.50, you can sit next to your CIS 1100 professor and his wife at the 6:30 showing.

That’ll be a bonding experience, they attempt to deceive you. Don’t fall for it. If your professor so much as knows your name, you’re fucked. 

Ok, then come alone, they manipulate you. Are you a loser? That’s somehow worse than going with your professor.

Do you hate women? they tauntingly sneer. Of course, you don’t. You want to support their transition to an all-gender group. So maybe you should go. Just to support your fellow ladies. 

You’re gonna come, they dangle a pocket watch in front of your face. Your vision goes black. All you can think about is the Mask & Wig show. You’re convinced. 

Fast forward to Wednesday night at 8:30. You and the 8 other audience members just had a beautiful time you’ll never forget. Congratulations on making a decision that will forever change your life (for the better).

* Direct quote from maskandwig.com