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Proposed Biopond Expansion Delayed Due to Lack of Portable, Ready-Made Biopond Cubes At Home Depot


Credit // The Daily Pennsylvanian 

Ahh, the Biopond. A staple of Penn life for some, a sequestered land of mystery for others. Present day, this beautiful enclave provides many with a respite from the hustle and bustle of Penn. But that was not always the case. Recent data (the Penn Biopond Instagram account) shows that the popularity of the space has grown significantly in the last few years. Interestingly, its surge in usage correlates positively with the 2018 Pennsylvania-wide legalization of medical marijuana, but experts don’t really know what to make of that. Correlation ≠ causation I guess. 

However we got here, we are here! The biopond is thriving. All of the turtles that were killed during pledging last year have been dredged from the bottom of the pond and replaced with new, shiny, wide-eyed baby turtles (stupid turtles have no clue what they are in for). There is also now a full-time staff of biopond attendants. Most of them just chill and drop acid and do experimental shit like trying to combine apple trees with frogs (futile), but some of them actually do real work like cleaning the fish and monitoring an intensive slash-and-burn farming operation. Also pretty sure if you do this special whistle between 11:00pm and 1:00am on weekdays one of them will deliver you Nerds Ropes tableside. Hell yeah 80k tuition. Unfortunately I cannot embed whistle sounds in an article on this cheap ass website, so you will have to see me in person and exclaim, “Yo, Flax! Do the whistle, kid!” if you want to hear it.

All of this growth and excitement surrounding the biopond has led Chairman Magill to call for physical expansion (shocker). She thinks it has great optics. A source close to our queen quotes her: “I’d like to see those FFP nutheads find something wrong with Penntrification in the name of TREES!” It’s like, uhhh, don’t worry Liz, I’m sure they will. 

Just one problem Lizzy – where are we gonna get all that lame green and brown shit that needs to go in the biopond? All the plant stores are mad at us for investing in Exxon and Shell awwwwwww so sad :( And my center-left aunt told me that Lowe’s really values free speech so they probably wouldn’t jive with the whole China vibes thing you have going here :( Fuck! Everyone hates us, ugh. 

Oh wait! This happened last time! That’s right, back in ‘01 then-president Amy Gutmann was faced with a similar problem while expanding Penn Park into the monstrosity it now is. I think... she found cubes of park at Home Depot. Like physical orbs, each containing a unique combination of foliage, small animals, and park air. Crazy, right? Like Black Mirror crazy. You could just buy them and put them in your Suburban and fit them into place in your yard/garden/park. 

Unfortunately, when Liz and gang helicoptered over to the Oregon Ave Home Depot in search of these mystifying cubes, they were met by a rather sassy manager who informed them that there were no longer any bio-orbs. Reluctant to call it a day, they instead decided to demolish the Home Depot and erect Liz Magill Hall and hold an ice cream social. By the time we graduate, Locust will extend all the way South to meet this landmark.