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Help! My Appearance Has Been Suffering, Please Send Me Thoughts About Me

Photo by Emma Poveda


It is safe to say I’ve lost my youthful glow. Whenever I look in the mirror, I jump at my reflection — like who even is that amirite. For a visual: I am a pallid, unnameable color, my eyes sunken deeply into their sockets, my hair (brunette) hangs brittle at my shoulders.  

I have attempted many things, like purchasing Glitter Face Masks at the 36th Street Urban Outfitters, wincing as the mask-juice incinerates my skin barrier, or hovering my face over the pot of steaming Pasta and somehow feeling less moisturized than before. Indeed, I have even attempted walking closely behind freshmen with hopes of corralling the trailings of their unregulated pheromones into my shell of a body. 

Now, I have one final idea and I'm afraid You are the only one who can help me.

All I ask is that you think Thoughts About Me wherein I appear very healthy and beautiful in your mind. If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then behold Me damnit. It’s hard to stay devilishly good-looking with the demanding schedule of a Penn student, but with your Thoughts About Me perhaps I can finally become the young lady I was always cracked up to be.