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“He Is JP Morgan” and 7 Other Lies to Tell About What Your Dad Does

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/ Photo Credit: Smithsonian Magazine

We’ve all been there. You’re talking to the kid whose net worth rivals a member of the Bahraini royal family (in certain cases, they may be a member of said family — we’ll cover that next). Meanwhile you were raised poor, in a 2,500 square foot suburban home in California.

The conversation turns to what your father does for a living. Shit. How can you best hide your family’s crippling mediocrity? You can’t let them find out he’s an HR director.

Take a deep breath. You’ll be fine.

Try one of these seven easy lies about your dad's profession to leave this exchange with your honor unscathed.


(1) Does bank stuff


(2) Anesthesio-biologist(sp?)


(3) Operating Thetan VIII in the Church of Scientology


(4) U.S. Secretary of Agriculture, Tom Vilsack


(5) Indie pop sensation


(6) Inventor of the Bop-It™


(7) Wanted fine art thief


And look at that — with one of these simple fibs you made a new friend, scaled Penn’s social ladder, and are now one degree of separation from the heir to the Funyuns fortune. Not bad, right?

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